BLAH

My life feels all confused. I can't think straight. I can't focus. I can't commit. I feel so far removed from everything and everyone I used to be close to. MWP. Laura & Heather, my two best friends who live long distance, they hardly email now and when they do I just don't have the energy to respond. I just don't know what to say. My life feels too confused and screwed up, and there isn't anything that's going on!!!! I feel so BLAH and there is NO REASON for it!!!! My mind can't even focus enough to write, so I end up sitting in front of paper staring at it (or a screen) not knowing how to put words together to form a good topic or sentance. What is going on with my life?????

I went to my doctor today for my test results. When I came in she said, "oh right, we called you in!" So I told her, "no, I made this appointment." "oh." pause. She's a bit confused. "So what can I do for you?" I pause, a bit confused. "I was wondering about my test results." OH!!! (curious that she thought they had called me in….)

My results came back negative for diabetes, which is what I was expecting since I didn't hear from them. But what did come back out of whack was my thyroid!!!! (roll eyes) Go figure! Now I'm too low for my meds!!!!! So she took the next 20ms trying to figure everything out, it was rather strange. I was at 88 then she moved me down to 75 and so she was trying to find something between them, but it doesn't divide that way, and she wanted to know how long I was on 75 (this was just after she had just told me she started me at that dose in May) and why did she change me off of 85 and…. I was starting to wonder about the doctor, to be honest!!!! She finally decided to just put me back up to the 85 for now! LOL

Also…. I am anemic!!! WT??? After all these years! LOL They must check me for anemia like every 6 months b/c I am always that tired, but I've always been negative for it, despite my desire for an answer and excuse for exhaustion. This time it turns out I am! I also have Low B12. Hmm…. I'm only "borderline", so I can take pills instead of injections…thank God, could you imagine me giving myself shots??? It was hard enough for me to prick my fingers daily when I had gestational diabetes!!!!! LOL The doctor kept asking me if I ate meat and vegetables. It was funny, she'd ask me and I'd tell her that I did, in fact we've had so much bbq steak lately in this weather that I'm getting sick of meat!!!! LOL But not even 10 minutes later and she'd ask me again! (roll eyes) Me thinks the doctor had a preoccupied mind today! :) She also asked me twice if my periods were heavy or if I had diahreah. Both no. But I did remind her that she wanted to do a pregnancy test on me! …. No response. Phooey. I didn't get to pee in a cup for her! I guess me having low iron and B12 was enough of an answer for her that she can rule out pregnancy! And I was actually looking forwards to finding out the results today too!!! LOL *sigh* Oh well, I guess I'll have to wait to see if the ol' Aunt Flo comes this week. (*blush* was that Too Much Information or was it just me????)

So yeah. My thyroid is too low, as well as my iron levels and B12 levels. What's up with that? I feel like my body is just all screwed up. I mean, this doesn't make sense. I guess in some ways I should be praising God that we have some sort of answer and that it wasn't just a "oh well, it must've been a fluke thing for your tiredness and reactions. your results are normal." but I'm feeling crappy and confused. I eat meat. I eat veggies. (love them raw) Maybe it was just a Bad Day. I mean, can that happen? When your blood is tested, is it possible that the results were from that day or the day before? Like if you ate a bunch of sugary stuff prior would it skewer the results? If I hadn't been eating enough of those things prior, like the week, could that be it? I'm pulling at straws, aren't I? I don't know why, it's not like I want to take Away this answer and have nothing! But…. for some reason I'm feeling So Down about this. I spent this evening feeling Blah. Poor Jono kept asking me, "are you okay?" I was getting annoyed!! "Yes! I'm fine! Leave me alone! I feel empty, lonely, confused, sad, tired, screwed up, drained, emotional and I don't know why, ok???"

*sigh*

I'm rambling. Sorry. And it's depressive. Sorry. But I'm just letting it out and trying to make sense of things and how I feel. I'm actually likely doing much better than this post makes it sound. Really. But I had to update on my doctor's apt b/c I knew my mom would be checking it up!

I pick up my meds tomorrow and I'll start taking them asap. Both Jenny (my awesome neighbour) and the doctor used the same description for me: once you're on these, you'll feel ALIVE again!!!

Alive, eh? Hmm…. that's interesting. I've felt so UN-alive for so long that I'm not too sure what that means. I'll be always happy that I won't need my antidepressants? I'll have energy to play with my kids and not need naps in the day? I'll be creative and start thinking up new ideas? I'll desire to be in contact with friends again? What does it mean to be ALIVE???