Monday, October 27, 2008

second thoughts on Autumn

Autumn has Always been my favourite season. The colours especially, but I love the smells of the season…the way the leaves smell, the smell of a woodburning stove… but now I am really starting to second guess myself. Maybe I should re-think it.

Now that I"m older, Autumn means getting up early In the Cold and Dark morning to get unfriendly and unwilling children (and myself, I'll be honest!) ready for school. Autumn means cold and flu season. Autumn also means dealing with my son's asthma.

Poor Kai has been coughing and coughing again and sneezing and sniffling. His little nose has been red. But it's the coughing that bothers me. It's the cough that is constant. *cough* breathe *cough* breathe. pause. *cough* It's the one that I recognize immediately as being his "astham cough". It started last night, and I tried to give him the nebulizer (just b/c I like it better b/c I KNOW he is getting the dose fully) but when he's sleepy it bothers him more. He becomes agitated because the mist will blow up into his eyes when he's laying down, and then it irritates his nose, which is already sore from wiping. So I had to pull out his puffers, which I'm not too fond of. While it is easier to give him, I wonder if he's getting enough of the dose. But I suppose if it helps him, he must… I had to come to his room and give him his asthma meds 3x in the night, and he missed school today because of it too. (I was so sad. his first missed day of school. I was hoping we'd make it through the whol 2008 school year without having him miss a day! So hopeful and dillousional of me!!!) I can already hear him coughing a bit again, three hours after his last meds. Poor guy. It's so sad to see him laden with health issues.

Meanwhile, poor Rhys is sounding rattly still. He's been fighting this chest cold for Three Blasted Weeks!!! He lost his voice, he lost his desire to eat, I'm sure he must've lost weight (although I didn't have him weighed)… poor thing. He's pulling out of it now though, thank goodness. He's eating like it's going out of style, lol! Gulping back those bottles! Yay! I've had to move him up to a new size and amount, hooray! About time! But today he sounds rattly in his chest again. Phooey. I hope that doesn't mean anything. During his 3-week chest cold, his reflux got worse too, which made me feel so bad. He'd try to cry, but no sound would be coming out, his chest would heave and he'd be puking and just be in such discomfort. I even came up to him to see that he had refluxed through his nose three times! I didn't see it happen, which makes me feel badly, but I'd see white wet lines running from his nostrils and I could guess what it was from, since he's too small to do coke lines! (little bad humour there!) Poor thing!

I'm cringing at the idea, but this will be the year our family gets the Flu Shot. I should've been doing it for several years now, but I avoided it. (it's a SHOT, they don't tickle! I'm a wimp!!!) But I want to see if this will make a difference for Kai and his health, and for all of us. Due to Kai's heart condition also, we are supposed to be able to get the flu shots for free. I'm not too sure how much they cost, but free is good!

Maybe my New favourite Season is Spring and Summer…ahhh…sunshiney spots to nap in!

Speech Update

I talked briefly to Kai's K teacher who said that he was assessed by the Special Ed teacher (I think? Or was it a Speech Therapist? I can't recall right now, but I will soon and I'll fill you in again!) and I am happy to report that they do not see a problem with Kai's speech and have no problem leaving him as he is and re-assessing him in January!!!!


Of course, a part of me was wondering if maybe I needed to fight for this or something. Remind them that he's been diagnosed with Apraxia. Be his Advocate. After all, I am his mother and I need to fight for him. I've heard so many stories of mothers who've had to fight and advocate on their child's behalf to get the diagnosis or therapy or help or doctor or whatever that was needed or else they'd be put aside (some mothers I know as friends)…. and I wonder if that's something I need to do. But then I look at Kai and I listen and I talk to other parents and I am happy to admit and share with you that he IS doing well. People DO understand him. He IS talking good for a kindergartener. I am so happy and so proud of him! My child, who did not utter two-word sentances until he was 3 1/2! Only a year ago did he start to actually TALK!!!! He has grown in LEAPS & BOUNDS!!!!

I"m not too sure where that leaves his Apraxia diagnosis or his ST though. I think I'll have to talk with the teacher more about this at our parent/teacher conferences in two weeks, and then talk to his old Therapist. But isn't this just Wonderful? Who'da thought?

He makes me smile. I'm proud of him. He… it blows me away!

….now, if only we can get his pooping down. He still won't use the toilet. H'mm…at least he hasn't had any problems at school. He only peed his pants once, but that was when they were on a field trip walk through a park, so I understood. We'll get there…

something's not right

Sorry I've been so MIA lately, but things are really crazy here and I am going through another bout of wondering what my body is doing. I understand being tired, really I do, but this is ridiculous! Sure, I've got a baby and I'm up several times in the night for that plus the other kids (who occasionally still wake up after bad dreams, wanting something to drink, just for no good reason…) but still…. I am not JUST tired. I am EXHAUSTED. But not just that. I'm not JUST Exhausted, I am..what's a word stronger than Exhausted? *sigh* Let's put it this way: I don't think I"m a SAFE Mom anymore. And that scares me.

Typically, my day goes like this: alarm goes off at 7am. I don't manage to REALLY notice it enough to actually get out of bed until 7:30am (and no, I can't change the alarm to 6:30am to get myself out of bed earlier b/c I KNOW I have an extra 1/2 hour now and will waste that too in bed! I know me!) I race the kids to get ready, dressed, fed and all that (plus myself) and out the door by 8am to make it to school by 8:40am, when school begins. Then I head back home. That's when it hits my body how tired I am and I literally struggle to keep my eyes open, so I don't fall asleep driving home. (I've opened my window, closed my window, turned on/off the music, I've shaken my head… whatever I can think of to keep me awake) On the wonderful days that Kai is in school, I will bundle up Bryn and Rhys by 11am and we will climb into bed for a nap. I have my alarm set for 1:30pm, so we can leave at 2pm to go pick up the kids. When Kai is home, I go on the computer for a bit, and try to keep myself busy. If I'm desperate and just CAN NOT go on, I will actually climb back into bed with Rhys and nap for a bit. And when I say "nap" I'm talking a good 1-2 hours.

So yeah, I am not what I would consider SAFE anymore. But what can I do???? I am taking my thyroid meds and I'm even taking extra Iron pills. In fact, Jonathan suggested I double the iron dose. Of course, I'm at the end of the bottle and I've felt NO CHANGE. I've gotten so USED to this though that it almost (ALMOST) doesn't even bother me anymore. If I need to sleep, I don't try to force myself not to, I just do it. The problem with that lies in the obvious: who's watching the kids if I'm sleeping? Not only are the boys destroying my house (toys everywhere and almost every wall is coloured on, grr) but who knows what could happen? I hear them fighting, but don't have the energy to get up to sort it out. They could easily hurt eachother, break a limb, start a fire, be seriously injured, go wandering outside….all because I have ZERO energy to do anything. And it's not that I'm lazy either or going through a severe depression, it's just… I can't even explain it.

I went to go visit my Mom a few weeks back. She lives about an hour drive away. By the time I got to Abbotsford I was doing my head shake to keep myself alert. Here I am driving down the freeway, doing 130 kph, and my eyes are fighting me to stay open! I was trying to get there as fast as I could and I still had a good 15-20 minutes to go! When I arrive, I am fighting exhaustion, but trying to be a good visitor and chat with my Mom, but within 20 minutes, I'm asleep on her couch! When I wake up, three hours have gone by and I feel terrible. I didn't go there so I could nap and Mom could entertain my children (even though she and they like that), so I'm feeling guilty! It's 6pm and dinner has been eaten, but I manage to sit down for seconds with everyone. ONE HOUR LATER…. and I can already feel it in my body that I am WAAAAY too tired to even attempt to drive. My breathing slows down and I have "trouble" breathing which is not related to my asthma but due to just being too tired. My legs feel achey and like jelly. My eyes are going half-mast and blurry. So we end up having to spend the night! I know that Mom welcomed us and put the children and I up perfectly fine for the night, but still… it wasn't planned by any of us and it was a strange night, so I felt out of sorts and like I was being rude. We managed to get the kids into bed and then Mom and I stayed up until 11pm chatting (which was SO nice to do again. I LOVE talking with her. She's so smart and always knows the right thing to say, and how to just listen. It reminded me of all the times as a teenager when I'd come into her room and just chat with her before she went to bed. My Mom is the BEST! She always let me do this without complaining) I didn't sleep the best, but I still managed to stay in bed until 11am the next morning. 12 freaking hours!!! (again, my mom is the best!) I felt SOO guilty, but Mom never mentioned anything other than to say that I obviously needed it. Within 2 hours, the kids and I are packed up and on our way home. An hour later and I"m so ready to crawl back into bed for another good 3 hours.

What is wrong with me??????? While I may not be depressed, per se, this whole sleeping issue is making me feel depressed! I just don't feel there's a solution either. I mean, I can't not take the kids to school, I have to drive and get up. Jonathan can't take them to school either, he can't just not go into work or work less hours either to accommodate me. But this HAS to be figured out soon. I can't spend the proper time with my children. I'm not spending time with them at all!!! I can't do much household chores (on a good day I'll keep myself busy enough to do some laundry or I will do some rush cleaning as I'm cooking dinner) I'm not cooking proper meals b/c I'd rather sleep, so I'll use Drive-Thru as we go pick up the kids from school. I was supposed to get my bloodwork done on my thyroid and iron levels checked on Friday, but I was just too tired to go.

I just don't know what to do. And I know that Jonathan is lost. I worry that he thinks it's just laziness, even though he says he is worried for me and knows that I'm exhausted. But does he Really Understand? I feel so torn too… I want him to drop everything and pick up the slack I've left on the kids and do all the errands for me so I can get the sleep I need, but I am reminded of just how much work his IS doing for the family. He's working TWO jobs right now, working on establishing a business. So it's not like I can ask or expect him to be able to drop anything. I know his limitations and I do not doubt his love for me. But I struggle with this.

I had a wonderful conversation with a friend who is actually going through the exact same things and she is so great to chat with. She makes me feel sane at least! She Understands the sheer exhaustion, the 'depression' (for lack of a better word. This depression is different than the depression where you feel Down for no reason. This Has a reason; it's called Exhaustion), the struggle… I am blessed by her friendship. She's looking into iron absorbtion right now and wonders if maybe I have problem with absorbing it as well. She's on two iron suppliments plus a B-12 shot and after 8 weeks, she's starting to feel a bit of a difference. Funny how both of us were told that as soon as we started Iron pills, we'd feel ALIVE and have all this energy!!!! LIES!!! That's great…. if your body only needs that much. What if it needs MORE than what the pills can give? Or something else? I don't even know if anything will come up on my blood test. I'm so nervous that it will come back "normal", just like it has every other time in my life that I struggled with being so exhausted. What am I supposed to do?

I have so many hopes and dreams for me as a mother and wife, and I feel like I can't do a thing! :( So the past few weeks have been just me dealing with this. I've been too tired to come on here and I've not known what to say or how to say it or if I even should. I hate complaining. Especially when I don't have any answers to give, no solutions. I'm disclosing myself to people who don't know me and I'm nervous! Something is wrong and something needs to be changed. But what and how???

Friday, October 17, 2008

what a day!

Okay, so I went to Wal-Mart this morning with the intention of getting a photo scanned. Of course, the machine was broken, so I decided to wander the store (bad idea) until the scrapbooking store opened since I had to go there as well. I ended up leaving Wal-Mart having spent $150 on clothes for the kids (again–--can't seem to stop ...but I did get the stuff I needed from the scrapbook store here, so that's ok! :) Then I get home and realize, Oh CRAP! I Totally forgot all about the immunizations this morning! This was booked a month ago! They even called me last night 2X to remind me!!!!!!! *smacking head* Of course, when I call, they say I can't come in today (surely someone else will have forgotten??! C'mon, throw me a bone here!!!!) but they can book me in for DEC 31!!!!!!!! There was a "funny" moment where the lady said, "Ohhh," rather regretfully and worried-like when she realized that Rhys was behind now and would need to make up for his first shots! I laughed and said, "it gets worse…" she replied, "well, it isn't funny!" I was thinking, "lady you have NO idea!!!!" She doesn't realize that I'm STILL trying to catch up Bryn!!!!!! *blush*

*sigh* so yeah. I tried to see if I can get them into my doctor's quicker, but they don't even do shots anymore. In fact, the woman on the phone rattled off the phone number to Public Health and I pretended to write it down!! Dang! Maybe Guildford or Langley won't have a two-month wait list for children's immunizations…. it's ridiculous.

Then later tonight, I did a load of laundry, and as I was switching it from the washer to dryer, I pulled out the most unusual item I've ever washed. Now, I grew up with the notion that when you work, you do it Right or don't even bother, and the same rings true with laundry. I've washed crayons (not dried any yet, thank goodness), paper, LEGO, coins, and now tonight, I can add Pull-Ups to the list!!! I don't know if it was used prior to the washing, but it's sure clean now!!!! However, it's unusuable. Once it gets filled with water, the insides swell… and well, if it's get TOO wet, it bursts open! So needless to say (but I will say it anyways since I'm like that) I had all this gel stuff inside my washer….and now pieces of it in my dryer, and all throughout the clothes!!!!! EWWWW!!! I wasn't too sure what to do, but I am determined that I need to figure out some things on my own without having to call up my Mother or Mother-In-Law all the time (one day I will not get that chance, so I'd better get used to figuring things out on my own), so I made up my own solution. First, I pulled out my vacuum cleaner, and used it on both the washer and dryer (didn't think I'd ever be doing THAT!), then I shook out all of the clothes and washed them again, then I vacuumed the floor of all the gel bits on the floor. (that terrified Bryn…who knew he was scared of the vacuum? poor babe. Rhys was fine and unbothered. Still "white noise" to him perhaps?) It seemed to help, though. What a dilemna!!!!

And now it's after midnight! Where has the day gone? No wonder I'm so tired! LOL I'm still waiting for my Hunny to come home from work… *sigh*
Powered by Blogger.